A JOURNEY AND INSIGHTS OF MY LIFE

This is basically a story of my life. However this is not somehow a bibliography but instead a recap of experiences starting from primary up to secondary schooling. Most people have their unique experiences of their lives and I am not an exception. There have been both positive and negative experiences in which I am going to share in this essay. This is going to reveal the ups and downs of my life as a kid and teenager and how these remarkable twists have changed my attitude, beliefs, values, thinking and behaviours towards the perception of life. I would start with my primary schooling experiences both at home and school. At home, I was never taught to cope with staying away from my parents half of the day. In short, even though my parents were working, I was never left behind with the people that I was never closed with. The first day at school saw the real challenge. I met new friends, seeing teachers, nuns in particular smiling and teaching us how to sing and dance. I noticed some of my friends cried and were throwing tantrums. It was a miracle that I did not put myself on the floor when my mom left me all alone. The attitude that I had brought from home was never to throw tantrums in public. That particular attitude was a strict “No’ in my family with my dad being a police officer. It made me realize at that time that I was cool. I did not cry like the others. I did not look at my mum and showed to her how uncomfortable I was. I was not even thinking. It planted in me a belief that my new life would definitely consist of school and home. It made me realize the value of being obedient, meaning; I was never complaining even when my mum was not beside me that time. The first thought I had that time was to indulge myself with good food. I was bizarrely dependable of food for any reasons. This was the hallmark towards the physical development along the years. I needed food to make myself comfortable and to cope with unexpected circumstances. The early years were not a scary experience but more of a food fiesta. I developed an understanding that there were more choices of food outside the house and therefore I developed a positive sense towards school. School equalled food. That was during the early years of my schooling experience. My attitude, values, thinking, behaviours and beliefs were overridden by food. I would not consider that as a negative approach though. Along the years in my mid schooling terms when I was in primary three and four, I started to learn new things. During the first day at school, every Monday, the nun who was teaching us would ask the whole class whether we had attended Sunday mass. We were reminded that it was a sin to be absent and of course, sinful people were burnt in hell. It was not the fire in hell that I was frightened of, it was the penalty. The penalty was to fast, meaning, no food. I learnt to be honest then. Lying was an act that was naturally born in me I guessed. I knew how to lie without learning it but to be honest; it was definitely a hard task. Starting from this experience, I developed an attitude of honesty. I became talkative; I wanted everybody to know what happened to me all the time. However, there was a turning point where I had to redefine the meaning of honesty and being talkative. A teacher threw a cloth duster on my face, I was asked to grate on the grass and my lower lip was pressed between the two cloth clippers. We were never told as a kid that talking was forbidden during the teacher’s explanation. I was very expressive and very impulsive indeed. If there was something that the teacher explained that I was confused with, my psychomotor skills reacted very fast. And so, I learnt not to talk during class, not even going to the toilet. My friends and I discussed some teachers’ attitude that we needed to be familiar with. We would evaluate teachers’ personalities to understand their styles, wants and whatever that would raise up their anger. My friends and I were disciplined and discipline meant respect. During my primary school years, I had more food, learnt to respect by bowing in front of teachers, greeted them with smiles, sit still, pretended to write something on the book, not going to the toilet during class time, stopped at any place upon hearing the school, state and national anthems, finished half of the homework as teachers would only check the front part and the most important thing was never to show signs of expressions. We were never allowed to giggle, to turn our faces at any directions and were afraid to raise our hands to ask questions. The primary schooling experience was military service. Teachers were the officers and we were, simply, kids. Actually, we learnt that teachers were scary. We avoided them at all corners of our lives. However, food was still there abundantly. The canteen operators served variety of choices and being a food lover, I spent RM1 every day! When I was in secondary school, I was overweight. The perceptions about teachers were already crystallised and we never messed up with our academic result and matters concerning discipline. Secondary school was more of a personal development. There were four of us in a group. Three of my friends were slim and tall and I was the black sheep. I was obese. To make matters worse, they all had girlfriends and I was lost somewhere during recess time. I told myself that I needed to have a girlfriend. And so the search began. The primary and secondary blocks were adjacent and my critical targets were primary six girls. I had my own definition of beauty that time and I really fell for girls with big eyes and long hair. I wrote a letter using words from a magazine and passed it to her friend. I was anxious and nervous and worried the whole day. The next day I received the reply and it was negative. She was kind enough not to use the word rejection but instead informed me that she already had a boyfriend. All the values that I had learnt from primary schools were to respect teachers but respect was not the right word. The truthful word would be, scared! We were scared of teachers. We followed all their orders and school meant books and discipline. In the secondary school years, I was more to myself and getting myself involved with friends’ activities, church activities and family gatherings. I noticed somehow that most people had their partners. I became shy. I kept distance from my relatives. I looked at myself in the mirror focusing on my cheeks and belly and thinking of holding the knife and plunge it in my belly; of all places! However, when my physical education teacher came in one day, he enlightened me. He showed us pictures of muscular athletes and taught us to eat right. The word is ‘diet’! I learnt a word that would transform my life. I went back home and started thinking of exercising. I planned my exercise regime. Early in the morning I went jogging for 30 minutes and at school I only ate a bun and drank plenty of water. Upon reaching home I skipped with music and lifted weights bought by my dad. At 4.30 in the evening, I went jogging again and after jogging I played volleyball at the police barrack court. At night I would continue lifting weights. I ate only small portions of everything. In within three months, I was slimmer than before. I was 72 kilogram with the height of 160 went down to 60 kilogram. The whole world had changed for me! I was more handsome and slimmer. I caught the attention of many girls and was involved in many school activities. I had confidence and the level was overwhelming. I believed in myself. I was always happy. I loved to help other fat friends with their obesity problems. I felt reborn! I bought new clothes and changed my styles. I closed all the previous chapters in my life. I promised never to look back! All these instances in my primary and secondary school levels have indeed socialised me as a person. When I was starting school I was dependant on food because I was afraid of starving. My mum was not there to cook for me and the breakfast pack was never enough. I have been a food lover since but in moderation. I have learnt that all good things must come in moderation. I value the laughs over good food. I believe good food brings people together and therefore would have high tea with families and friends once in a blue moon. I learn to keep certain things to myself. I believe that there are certain things that are better left unspoken. And so I learn to weigh the situations. I am no more impulsive but considerate. Of all the penalties that I received from teachers, I learn to be a good teacher. I will not shout to students nor throw things at their faces. I want my students to respect me not because they are scared of me but because of my professionalism as a teacher. I gain confidence from my own slimming programme. I always believe that above all things people are able to achieve their dreams just as I have done it and still holding on to it. I see beauty not physically now but in hearts. Even with my athletic body now, I still feel that I am the old fat boy, used to sit at a corner blinded by food and only food. I hunt for ladies not because of their looks but their intelligence. I see successful people from a different angle and believe that hard work and sheer genius would have contributed to their accomplishment. I also think that planning and will power are essential in order to succeed. All these experiences have really made me feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Since I have experienced both being fat and isolated and transformed into a beautiful butterfly, at times I question my justification of matter. I am a thinker now. I am critical and evaluate things all the time. I do not judge but I reflect. This is me.